Balada para un loco

I’m in love. 

I don’t sit there and think about every step I take, have taken, or will take. Sometimes you gotta just live life on impulse, and if a good thing comes your way, embrace it, act on it, make something of it … then hold onto it well; make it last.

Every time it happens I can feel myself falling apart.

It’s hard when people don’t understand it, 

and it’s harder to explain that you know what is happening but do not have full control over it. I keep losing myself in the midst of things, and lately I have been idle. I do know where my mind is; I don’t know where the conscious part of me has gone. I feel that I have been ceaselessly caught up in some kind of hazy and fogged up state of mind.

It’s true that he doesn’t cross my mind anymore until he’s brought up or until he texts me, but when it does happen, I still get that horrible aching feeling inside. I’m still trying to heal from it all, and although I’m taking it much better than I ever thought I would and am trying to stay strong, it got really difficult some days to not want to turn back around and give it another shot. We went through SO much together … no one will ever fully understand that … and now it’s all nothing and will never be anything again. Well, truth be told, I did have some moments of weakness, but with everyday that passes, I am realizing more and more how this has been for the better. Now I can’t see myself ever turning back. I suppose knowing that we once had a real love and tried so hard to keep from falling completely apart, only have things fall apart in the end anyway, is what still hurts me.

The only reason why I suffered for so long was because I allowed you to hurt me. One by one your arrows came flying and never did I protect my heart; I just let those arrows penetrate me over and over again, and then I would be stupid enough to continue to stay in open and vulnerable positions. Well, you can consider those days gone. You wanted me to get the fuck out of your house, remember? I did nothing wrong. You harassed me until I could take it no longer, and the second I felt my eyes burn I knew I had to get out of there because I will never let you see me weak again. I will no longer cry before you. I will no longer beg and plead. You wanted me out, so I was gone. I told you to mark my words. I told you that you would no longer be seeing me or hearing from me. For two years you did me wrong and no matter how terrible you were to me, I would blindly come running back to you. Be sorry all you want and try to convince me you’ve changed. I won’t believe it because I know better now. Every time I got the urge to reply to one of your messages last night and today, I reminded myself of the pain you used to put me through. I reminded myself of what happened Monday afternoon, when you showed me firsthand that you have not changed one bit. From now on, I will stand my ground and you will not break me. Not anymore. 

This terrible tight feeling in my chest can only be described as my trying very hard to grasp onto something sturdy, something right, that seems to be steadily drifting away from me as the days keep passing me on by. Somehow I sense that what I have been trying to hold on to is nonexistent, something I have merely created within the confines of my own mind. What is real? Has it all been but half an illusion that I have immersed myself into? 

I keep waking up to the thoughts and hopes that the day ahead of me will be a new day, a different day from the day before. But lately it has all been feeling like a huge continuation of days tinted with merciless echos of gloom and melancholia that simply will not cease.

I am slipping away. I don’t like this at all.      

Tonight I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine about our summer destinations. She is from another country and is traveling to the states and I am going to Australia. She was expressing her worries to me about having to travel alone and stay with someone she has never met before. My reply to her was, ”JUST DO IT”

She and I consider ourselves twins. We operate on the same logic and reasoning, think about the same things, feel the same emotions, and react very similarly to across similar situations. I suppose tonight shed light on one aspect of how we are different—she is more of a worry-wart who thinks about the “what-ifs” a lot while I am the more impulsive and spontaneous counterpart. That is not to say that I do not ever worry or get anxious, but in the end, spontaneity usually overcomes me and I just hop on for the ride. I mean, I literally just woke up one day and said to myself, “I am going to Australia for my 21st birthday!” How much more spontaneous can it get?

Needless to say, she was a bit bothered by this quality that filled her with doubt and worry. It bothered her even more that this friend of hers whom she was coming to the states to see would come to see her in a heartbeat, without hesitation and such worries. It made her feel as though he cared about her more than she cared about him, which she knows isn’t true, but she felt that way anyway. What I told her was that she is simply different from me or others who are like me and that there was no need for her to want to diverge. I told her it was okay to carry a bit of fear, and that just because she was not totally daring and spontaneous the way I am does not mean a thing. I reminded her that logically, she should be cautious and a bit worried about going to stay with someone she has never even met. DUH! 

My whole point in saying all of this is just to say that each and every one of us is built differently, and it’s doesn’t necessarily always have to be bad thing. No one should downplay what they feel just because they think they should be/feel/think more like someone else. I think it’s a beautiful thing, these differences, and although it doesn’t always happen this way … I make an effort to respect the qualities that make people who they are. I don’t think people should be condemned for what or how they are unless it is really that negative that it causes harm to others. Embrace what makes you different, because without all the worry-warts and cautious people, the world would probably blow up. :) Just sayin’ ~ 

I must remind myself that it doesn’t matter how the world will judge me because this is what I have always wanted. The power of epiphany  

A third of my year has been spent waiting. If this one thing doesn’t happen tomorrow, I swear I am going to bust open. The last 12 days of waiting have been the worst ever!