February 2013
1 post
Referring my Aussie to this post in case he can't...
International love has its obvious disadvantages… but you gotta do what you gotta do!
December 2012
1 post
Here I Am
Head in hands,
feeling low.
But the thought of you and me,
it makes me smile.
Your love takes me somewhere else.
August 2012
1 post
I can't stop.
I am completely in love with you.
July 2012
1 post
Today I was
happy.
I began doubting if I was really taking the right path,
if I even needed to walk down that road.
Then the chaos found its way back underneath my skin.
June 2012
7 posts
I just don't get it.
I’m so tired of getting like this and feeling like I have no control. I want to be able to say I can do this but today it became too overwhelming. I am physically and emotionally drained. I almost wanted to throw in the towel. I actually wanted to give up.
I became super weak-minded.
And it happens again.
It scares me how spot-on you can be about my past mistakes and things I know I have long struggled with. It scares me even more how you probably don’t even realize how many times you have saved me from slipping in the puddles. Tonight you say sorry but I say thank you for catching me and not letting me fall. You may think you are trying to make me someone else but I see it as, when it is...
I can't stop thinking.
My mind is being blown up with thoughts and thoughts and some more thoughts. I’m driving myself crazy. It is like having voices in my head that won’t stop talking.
What you probably don't realize
is that every time you expose me to your thoughts I fall for you just a bit more. Usually it goes that when you let an idea or thought of yours be known for the first time, I get very puzzled and think to myself about how much we often collide in our ways. And yet with some careful consideration and assessment of some of the things you have said to me these last few months, I have come across some...
Maybe I'm just crazy reckless ...
or persistent, adamant, willful, headstrong, stubborn … Whatever the word is, it is how I’ve always been.
When I truly want something, I will go after it and pursue the shit out of it.
Yeah. Like that.
What it is,
is a huge leap of faith. But unlike jumping out of a plane from 14,000 feet with 60 seconds before my parachute opens, I am going to be free falling for an infinitely long amount of time, unsure of when or whether my parachute will even open and I will have no idea where I’ll be landing if it does.
And yes, it makes me nervous, indefinitely.
“Those are the risks we take.”
Negative Emotions
Even up until this point, I am still so afraid to be completely open.
But it’s bothering me. It still is. I want answers.
May 2012
4 posts
I don't care;
I’m in love.
Watchthe-absolute-funniest-posts:
“Daddy interrogates daughter to get a confession on who is her favorite parent.”
Follow this blog, you will love it on your dashboard
Impulse
I don’t sit there and think about every step I take, have taken, or will take. Sometimes you gotta just live life on impulse, and if a good thing comes your way, embrace it, act on it, make something of it … then hold onto it well; make it last.
April 2012
8 posts
Disillusioned
Every time it happens I can feel myself falling apart.
It’s hard when people don’t understand it,
and it’s harder to explain that you know what is happening but do not have full control over it. I keep losing myself in the midst of things, and lately I have been idle. I do know where my mind is; I don’t know where the conscious part of me has gone. I feel that I have...
"Things Fall Apart"
It’s true that he doesn’t cross my mind anymore until he’s brought up or until he texts me, but when it does happen, I still get that horrible aching feeling inside. I’m still trying to heal from it all, and although I’m taking it much better than I ever thought I would and am trying to stay strong, it got really difficult some days to not want to turn back around and...
Shield
The only reason why I suffered for so long was because I allowed you to hurt me. One by one your arrows came flying and never did I protect my heart; I just let those arrows penetrate me over and over again, and then I would be stupid enough to continue to stay in open and vulnerable positions. Well, you can consider those days gone. You wanted me to get the fuck out of your house, remember? I did...
Feverish
This terrible tight feeling in my chest can only be described as my trying very hard to grasp onto something sturdy, something right, that seems to be steadily drifting away from me as the days keep passing me on by. Somehow I sense that what I have been trying to hold on to is nonexistent, something I have merely created within the confines of my own mind. What is real? Has it all been but half...
Embrace the differences.
Tonight I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine about our summer destinations. She is from another country and is traveling to the states and I am going to Australia. She was expressing her worries to me about having to travel alone and stay with someone she has never met before. My reply to her was, ”JUST DO IT”
She and I consider ourselves twins. We operate on the same logic...
Before I fall asleep
I must remind myself that it doesn’t matter how the world will judge me because this is what I have always wanted. The power of epiphany
A third of my year has been spent waiting. If this one thing doesn’t happen tomorrow, I swear I am going to bust open. The last 12 days of waiting have been the worst ever!
How do I face the world
with all the things I have tucked away and hidden so deeply beneath my skin?
How do I tell them that I am happy like this, that this is what I want, without receiving ridicule and having judgements laid upon me?
It’s sad, because the people who I would expect not to judge me are probably the ones who most likely will. A friend once told me this in regards to himself, and I see what he means...
I wanted to write a story, and so I did.
You may, after proceeding to take a few steps forward to cross over and step foot onto the path of this mind, abruptly find yourself with legs that have plunged straight down into steep holes. Do not ask why they are there. Pull yourself out and continue on the winding path. The beauty of this story created by the subconscious mind lies in the great value placed in all things implausible.
The...
March 2012
2 posts
I would love
to just be me, weaknesses and all. But sometimes my weaknesses feel so unacceptable, even to me.
Day 16 — someone that’s not in your state/country
On July 2nd of 2010, I left off on a series of letters that I never picked back up again. I suppose I could never find someone I truly wanted to write this letter to. The only person I thought worthy of dedicating such a letter to had already walked out of my life around this time, and so finding someone I wanted to write to was unsuccessful. Gradually, I forgot about this whole thing. Well, here...
November 2011
1 post
A life without love is not really a life at all It’s always hard to stand, when you’re too afraid to fall My back’s against the wall, my world is getting small Then what do you know; it is you that I call, so we’re … Back in the same position Back with the same decision Back again, but this time, nobody listens It happens so often, it’s bound to get old It’s...
May 2011
1 post
Please,
let these feelings disappear and be forever trapped in the dark abyss of my mind.
I don’t want to come in contact with them anymore.
I’m starting to become what I’ve always hated the most …
& I truly don’t know how or when it all began.
I just want it to stop.
I can’t let this take hold of me. I am better than this.
April 2011
2 posts
Hmmm ...
It has been a while.
Too much has happened.
I need an outlet.
February 2011
3 posts
I can't
fix myself,
but I refuse to let anyone fix me.
I used to
publish posts regularly. I’ve since become lazy … and busy. But I guess I feel like going on a little rant tonight before bed.
Often, I find myself stuck in some deep train of thought that will too quickly fade and leave me bunched up in frustration. I hate not being able to recall. My mind jumps from thought to thought and idea to idea way too fast. Everything is so scattered in...
I had
a moment of weakness,
but I’m smart enough to distinguish between what’s real and what’s merely superficial.
I know what needs to be done.
January 2011
1 post
For the last six days,
everything has been going exceptionally well (aside from my not getting enough sleep, of course). I am a bit fearful that if I say this, I might jinx it, but everything truly has been quite smooth-sailing. I suppose I needed my time to mope a bit, as I usually do … I just needed some time to figure it all out in my head. I may have acted as if it were the end of the world (okay, I’m...
December 2010
1 post
I
DGAF ANYMORE.
The more I try to figure this shit out, the worse it gets.
I’m tired.
October 2010
7 posts
So I say
FUCK everything I think I know.
I’m going to defy everything
and I’m going to fucking fix this.
"Why do we fall in love when love will only tear...
Me: He says he loves me so much but it's gotten to the point where he says he needs a break from me
Ivy: you guys just don't work \:
Me: And we laughed about it.
We were so happy back then.
Ivy: Alex said the same thing
Me: It was a fucking fairytale.
Really, he was wonderful.
Absolutely wonderful.
We had the best start.
Getting to know him was the best of times.
He made me so so happy.
He gave me highs.
That's why this is such a shock to my system
and it hit us really hard
when we first started fighting.
It's cause when you're in a relationship, nothing is the same.
[It can't be] all jokes anymore
Everything is meant and everything hurts.
[Not everything can] just be laughed off anymore.
It's a whole different world.
But seriously, he was my best friend and I was his.
For four fucking months, it was bliss.
Absolute bliss.
And then we got together ... and then it got bad around May
and it has just gone downhill from there.
Ivy: \:
Me: I could never forget our good days.
I told him no matter what happens he will always be my favorite.
He understood me.
He showed me that he could be trusted,
listened to all my secrets, my deep dark secrets
... and never judged me.
Ivy: :/
"Why do we fall in love when love will only tear us apart"
Now
I know why my mother used to scream and yell and do stupid things. There just comes a point when you can’t keep strong anymore and begin to tremble violently in a struggle to simply retain composure. There comes a point when you’ve just been pushed way too far, when all your walls have crumbled to the ground before you, and then you feel as though there is nothing you could possibly...
I always find myself
wanting to write down every happy memory, every happy moment that I’ve ever lived, because I’m so fearful of losing all of these wonderful memories that I hold so close to my heart. I’m afraid that everything will just gradually slip away into this black hole, into an abyss of everything long forgotten, and that one day, I simply won’t remember a thing.
I am
SO. FUCKING. BITTER.
IT’S NEVER GOING TO FUCKING BE OKAY.
LET ME JUST GRAB YOUR HEAD AND SMASH IT BETWEEN A DOOR, YOU MOTHER FUCKER.
I completely
lost it.
September 2010
8 posts
I sense
a struggle, a tug-o-war, between my two extremes. I don’t want to achieve a balance at this point in time.
I want her to win. I’m done with you. Fuck you.
I've never
felt such an immediate numbness before; it scares me a bit. It’s time to take apart the pieces and to reassemble, to start over, to begin a transformation or rehabilitation. I won’t get it wrong this time; I know what’s up. It has taken quite a while to get to this point, but I guess I’m finally here. I need a retreat, and even though it might mean putting us at risk, I...
I don't know
what it is, but it’s hella bothering me at the moment. Something just isn’t right, something hasn’t been right, but I can’t pinpoint what it is. Idk. It’s been so like, okay, I DGAF, but with a hidden and occasional frustration. Idk. HAHA. Just need to stick to my shit, say EFFF IT, and sleep it off. Gotta just keep telling myself, tomorrow is a new day, and he who...
!@#$^&*
If I hadn’t persistently stuck with what I know is the truth, you probably would have just kept pushing it with the bullshit, and if I would have actually believed you and given in, you probably would have just gone along with it.
Thank god I’m not that fucking stupid,
cause I feel as though that’s something you would do to me.
10 Things I Hate
1. Poor grammar
2. Poor spelling
3. Uncleanliness/poor hygiene/messiness
4. Ignorance/closemindedness/one-sidedness
5. Insecure/fake bitches
7. Guys who are bigger bitches and pms more than any girl
8. People who use being angry as an excuse to mouth off
9. Being hurt/being lied to
10. Extreme weakness and utter pessimism—really, you’ll be okay eventually.
VENTING TIME!
Okay, fuck. STOP SIGN HERE. LOL. NEVERMIND! I’m not down to vent and I’m not down to throw angry words out there. I don’t care anymore. At this point in time, I’ve become almost numb. It has quickly become a case of anger without enthusiasm. I’m trying to be better. I know I’m not perfect and I’m not everything you want me to be right now, but I’m taking it one thing at a time and trying to think...
10 Things About Me
1. No better therapy than cleaning! I love to clean when I’m sad/upset. Helps keep my mind off things and makes me feel productive and accomplished. I’m the queen of thorough cleaning and organizing. Even when my room appears to be completely fine, I will find a billion things that aren’t orderly and start getting annoyed. So if you ever need a maid … LOL jk.
2. I wash my...
I'm beginning to
know better.
When you’re upset, angry, mad, I can’t be upset back.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
I can’t snap back; I’d be feeding the fire.
Just gotta keep cool. Just gotta think positively and fuckit, SMILE.
